Kemp's A Problem
by magicallymc
Summary: Ellie Kemp is very sick, 3 clinic patients aren't sick at all, and all the names are changed!  You'll catch on, though, don't worry.


INT. ELLIE'S BATHROOM

In the background dance-y music is playing. ELLIE (AKA ELIZABETH AKA ELLIE KEMPS AKA ELIZABETH KEMPS) is finishing brushing her teeth and is rinsing her mouth. She takes a bottle and shakes a pill into her hand. After hesitation, she shakes another one. She fills a cup with water from her sink and takes the pills. She dances into her room and steps behind a screen. Her MOM (AKA MRS. KEMPS AKA BARBRA KEMPS) yells up to her from downstairs.

MRS. KEMPS.

ELLIE! HURRY UP! BREAKFAST IS

READY!

ELLIE

OKAY, MOM! I'M ALMOST READY!

Ellie dances out from behind the screen, dressed. She puts on some sneakers and shuts off her stereo.

INT. KEMP'S KITCHEN

MR.KEMPS (AKA DAD AKA BILL KEMPS) is sitting at the kitchen table eating egos and drinking coffee while he reads the morning paper. Mrs. Kemps is pouring orange juice into a cup next to a bowl of oatmeal.

ELLIE

Good morning!

MRS. AND MRS. KEMPS

(simultaneously)

Good morning, Ellie.

Ellie begins to sit down in her seat. Stopped in mid air, her face goes blank and she collapses on the floor. She begins to vomit and her parents both rush towards her. Opening credits roll.

EXT. DR. MURPHY'S OFFICE

Zoom on the door to DR. MURPHY'S (male) office. It says "Head of Pediatrics."

INT. DR. MURPHY'S OFFICE.

Dr. Murphy is pacing when two people walk in; DR. LANGER (female) and DR. JACKSON (male).

DR. JACKSON

We were paged…?

DR. MURPHY

(Sarcastically)

Oh, good, they finally sent someone

To give me a back massage.

Dr. Langer grabs a file that is on Dr. Murphy's desk.

DR. LANGER

15-year-old female, uncontrollable

Vomiting, pushed 4 mg ativan… 4mg?

DR. MURPHY

She was uncontrollable in her

Unconscious state of vomiting. She

Was in pure rage. And by that, I

We really wanted to sedate her. And

By that, I mean she needed to stop

Throwing up.

Dr. Jackson grabs the file from Dr. Langer's hands. He scans the paper, flipping through the sheets in the file.

DR JACKSON

She probably just has a flu, we give

Her fluids for dehydration from the

Vomiting and ativan, she can leave

By tonight.

DR. MURPHY

Apparently you haven't gotten to the

Kicker yet.

Dr. Jackson continues to scan and then stops on a page.

DR. JACKSON

Her blood tests… her estrogen is

through the roof.

Dr. Langer comes and stands behind Dr. Jackson, reading the file over his shoulder.

DR. MURPHY

Pop quiz! What can cause high estrogen

Levels?

DR. JACKSON

Well, a bunch of different things. It

Could be menopause.

DR. LANGER

In a 15-year-old girl?

DR. MURPHY

Duh, I should've known that. Which

One of you is going to go tell the 15-

Year-old she's just about missed the

Opportunity to have children before

she's even had sex? Oh, can it be me?

Please?

Dr. Langer ignores Dr. Murphy and continues.

DR. LANGER

She could have a internal tumor or a

Cyst. It could be any number of things,

Really.

DR. MURPHY

Yeah, it could. So let's start with a

Full body CT scan. Then, when that

Shows a tiny, tiny speck that you conclude

Is some kind of tumor, biopsy it. I'll

Be tweaking my menopause speech, you know,

Adjust it to 15-year-old type standards.

Dr. Langer and Dr. Jackson exit. The phone rings. Dr. Murphy picks it up.

DR. MUPRHY

Hello? Yes… yes… but you see, I'm

Currently assigned to a patient…

I can't be getting another one…

Yes? Alright, I'll be there in a

Moment.

Dr. Murphy hangs up the phone and exits the room

INT. PEDIATRICS MAIN DESK

Dr. Murphy walks up to the desk and grabs a file from a basket labeled "Murphy." He opens it and scans through it.

DR. MURPHY

3-year-old girl…no allergies… blue?

INT. EXAM ROOM

Dr. Murphy walks to an exam room across the hallway where a MTOHER and her DAUGHTER (dressed in a dressing gown) are sitting. Her daughter's skin has turned blue.

DR. MURPHY

Yo, listen up: here's a story

About a little guy that lives in

a blue world and all day and all

night and everything he sees is

Just blue like him inside and

Outside…

The mother is promptly disgusted.

MOTHER

She's blue!

She's been blue for 3

days! She's blue and you're singing!

DR. MURPHY

Well, before I was a doctor, I was

Part of a musical… then the Blue

Man Group… so it seems appropriate.

The mother ignores him.

MOTHER

She comes home from pre-school all

Blue!

The pre-school teachers don't

Say much about it but none of the other

Kids are blue. I was researching it

Online and there are a million reasons

She could be blue…

DR. MURPHY

You've thought your daughter might

have a serious disease for the past

3 days and you are just bringing her

In now?

The mother is insulted. Dr. Murphy turns to speak to the daughter.

DR. MURPHY

I guess mommy doesn't love you.

MOTHER

I would've brought her in except she's

Never blue at...

DR. MURPHY

Night? She's not blue when she's going

To bed?

MOTHER

Yes…

DR. MURPHY

(To the child)

Do you like pre-school?

DAUGHTER

Yes!

DR. MUPRHY

I bet you have a favorite spot, too.

DAUGHTER

Yes!

DR. MURPHY

What's your favorite spot?

DAUGHTER

The reading couch.

DR. MURPHY

Well I always loved the reading couch,

Too.

Do you have a new reading couch

At school?

DAUGHTER

Yes, we got it soon ago.

DR. MURPHY

And this couch you got soon ago, is it

Blue?

DAUGHTER

Yes, because blue is a girl and a

Boy color.

DR. MURPHY

It is, indeed. So do a lot of other

Kids come on the reading couch.

DAUGHTER

No, just me. I like to lay on it

So there's no room for anyone else.

The teacher said it was okay.

DR. MURPHY

I'm sure that's okay. So do you take

A bath at night before you go to bed?

DAUGHTER

Every night.

DR. MUPRHY

(turning back to the mother)

And you were saying she's clean at

Night, probably after her shower.

So you put the soap and water on her

And she's normal again? It's probably

An illness imbedded deeply into her skin.

That, or the new reading couch is still

Giving off fabric dye.

The mother looks sheepish as she starts to gather her things and her daughter's clothes.

MOTHER

I feel so silly, oh goodness. C'mon

Honey, let's get ready to go…

Dr. Murphy exits the room with the patient file, leaving the mother and her child in the exam room.

INT. PEDIATRIC MAIN DESK

Dr. Murphy throws the file down on the pediatric front desk. There is a nurse behind is managing the files.

DR. MURPHY

What do I put in the patient write-

Up for unexcused stupidity of a

Dull-witted parent?

INT. DR. MURPHY'S OFFICE

Camera is on the patient report of the blue girl. It reads "There once was a lost-smurf girl who wandered into the pediatrics unit of the hospital. It seems she had rolled in the smurf potion, which was very washable, but her mother, who was no smurf at all, wasn't smart enough to see the safety of her smurfy cover…"

The camera zooms off to be able to see the entire office. Dr. Jackson and Dr. Langer enter. Dr. Jackson puts CT scan films into the light board on the wall.

DR. JACKSON

(pointing)

It seems she has a small tumor in her

Lower abdomen. It looks benign but

We should remove it just to be sure.

DR. MURPHY

(squinting at the film)

That's nothing.

DR. LANGER

A tumor could be the reason for the

Problem. If you're wrong and it is

Something, than we didn't fix what

We knew about.

DR. MUPRHY

You feel so strongly about the speck

In this girls abdomen? Fine, take it

Out. And when that's nothing, we'll

Brain storm again.

Dr. Langer and Dr. Jackson look skeptically at each other but leave the room. Dr. Murphy sits back down at his desk and picks up his pen to continue his story-book report when the phone rings.

DR. MURPHY

Yes? Well, I don't know… I might be

Bored after all my more recent

Exciting experiences… really? Better

Than blue girl? I'll be right there.

Dr. Murphy exits.

INT. PEDIATRICS MAIN DESK.

There is a nurse behind the desk. Dr. Murphy picks up a file from the basket labeled "Murphy." He glances over it and groans, apparently angry.

DR. MURPHY

You said this one was going to be good.

NURSE

(smirking)

It's the parents. They're good.

Dr. Murphy grumbles and heads towards the exam room.

INT. EXAM ROOM

Dr. Murphy enters looking down at the ground. He looks up and backs away a few steps. The camera turns so you can see the patient and his parents. There is a boy, around 7, and his mom and dad who are both dressed as mimes.

DR. MURPHY

(sarcastically)

What's the problem? Accidentally

Trap your son in a box and you need

Me to get him out? Maybe you threw a

Rope around him to pull him in bruised

Him up really bad?

Both parents look angry. The son quickly speaks up.

SON

My parents think I'm sick.

DR. MURPHY

They think you're sick?

SON

I have a cough and a runny nose and

A scratchy throat everyday after I

Go outside.

DR. MURPHY

Do you go outside, blow up some balloons

And end up floating away?

SON

No, silly. Balloons can't carry a person.

By now, the parents are very insulted. They tap Dr. Murphy on the shoulder and act out using a stethoscope, indicating Dr. Murphy examine their son.

DR. MURPHY

Why? Afraid it's deadly? He dies, he

Takes the color out of your black and

White world?

The son is apparently afraid of the brewing conflict.

SON

(trying to redirect conversation)

It might be strep.

DR. MURPHY

Wow, you're special, you only get strep

After you go outside?

SON

Sorry.

DR. MURPHY

Don't be, you wouldn't know how to hold

Your tongue when you have something

Unintelligent to say. You're parents

Never taught you. I'm guessing you

Probably just have allergies. I'll

Have someone come in with an allergic

Panel to test you. All the do is role

A few spikes on your back. It'll feel

As if someone is poking you with a

Hairbrush. After a few moments, welts

Will appear wherever the spikes you were

Allergic to hit. The welts might be

Itchy but you'll come out generally

Unscathed. I'll have you tested for…

Pollen, grass, a few other outside

Things, and idiot parents. You'll

Be fine.

The boy looks semi frightened but more happy that Dr. Murphy is leaving. The parents are miming hatred towards Dr. Murphy.

DR. MURPHY

What? You love me? Oh, don't be

Silly. You guys are already married

To each other. And besides, I only

Marry clowns.

Dr. Murphy exits.

INT. PEDIATRICS FRONT DESK

The nurse is still behind the desk. Dr. Murphy drops the patient file on the desks and picks up a patient write-up.

DR. MURPHY

Two in one day? What a lucky Ped

Unit. Next time, ring me with some-

Thing good.

Dr. Murphy walks away.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ELLIE KEMPS HOSPITAL ROOM

Dr. Murphy is walking by Ellie kemps room. Through the window he sees that Ellie is sleeping. In the corner, on two folding chairs, her parents are whispering, keeping their eyes on the door suspiciously. Dr. Murphy quickly steps out of view. He peaks around to see them again. They seem him and stop talking. Dr. Murphy enters.

INT. ELLIE KEMPS HOSPITAL ROOM

DR. MURPHY

Hello!

MRS. KEMPS

Hello. You must be Dr. Murphy, Ellie's

Attending doctor?

DR. MURPHY

Well, you'd rather think that than

Think I'm some hobo that lives in the

Hospital hallways, correct?

Both parents look confused by the statement.

DR. MURPHY

So, what's up?

MR. KEMP

Nothing… is something wrong?

DR. MURPHY

Oh, no. You know, since I'm her

Doctor and all, I thought I'd come

Check her heart and stuff. Doctor

Things.

The parents look at each other, concerned and whisper. It is mumbled and un-hearable. They look back up at Dr. Murphy who is smiling, like an idiot.

MRS. KEMP

Can you please leave the room?

DR. MURPHY

Oh, chill. I was just kidding.

Hello, I'm Dr. Murphy. I am indeed

The attending physician on your daughter.

Elizabeth Kemps, correct?

The parents seem to relax.

MRS. KEMPS

Yes, Ellie.

DR. MURPHY

I'm assuming two other doctors just

Came by to get you to sign release

Forms to biopsy a speck in her

Abdomen?

MR. KEMPS

Well, yes, but not a speck, they

Said it was more likely a tumor.

DR. MURPHY

Well, it could be. I doubt it. But

This hospital's kind of like Disney

World, anything can happen. Dreams

Come true.

MR. KEMP

Why would we want her to have a tumor?

MRS. KEMP

We wouldn't ever want to hurt our

Daughter.

DR. MURPHY

Does that include poisoning? I mean,

Maybe a poison apple to borrow from

Snow White. Or poison beast claws

To borrow from the instrument-girl

Named one.

MR. KEMP

No, no way. What are you talking

About?

DR. MURPHY

Does your daughter take any medications

Other than what we are already aware of?

I can't really think of any Disney

References so I hope you get it.

Mrs. Kemp looks towards Mr. Kemp who has looked to the ground.

MR. KEMP

(mumbles)

Nuh-… uhm… no. She does not.

Mr. Kemp nudges Mrs. Kemp. She turns towards Dr. Murphy.

MRS. KEMP

Right. She does not.

Dr. Murphy looks at the parents as if waiting. After a moment, he smiles.

DR. MURPHY

Alright, good.

Dr. Murphy walks towards the door.

DR. MURPHY

Remember, here, the dreams that you

Wish will come true!

Dr. Murphy exits.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ELLIE KEMPS HOSPITAL ROOM.

Dr. Langer and Dr. Jackson are walking towards Ellie Kemps room, wearing scrubs, along with a few other nurses. When they see Dr. Murphy, the doctors stop to talk to him and the nurses continue into Ellie Kemps room.

DR. MURPHY

(nodding towards the door)

Her parents are liar, liar, pants on

Fire.

DR. LANGER

What?

DR. MURPHY

They gave her a poison apple. Married

Her to a beast. Stole her glass

Slipper. Gave her a magic lamp… well,

That last one would've been positive

So leave that one out of the analysis.

DR. JACKSON

Seeing as we didn't go to college to

Understand Disney analogies, I don't

Really understand.

Dr. Murphy looks towards Dr. Langer, sarcastically hoping she gets the nonsensical analogy.

DR. LANGER

(sarcastically)

Oh yeah, I totally get it.

DR. MURPHY

Her parents are giving her medicine

That they didn't tell us about.

DR. LANGER

How do you know that?

DR. MURPHY

Lie detector test. I really wanted

To know if she thought I was hot

But asking abut unknown medicines

Sort of popped out. And ruined the

Mood.

DR. JACKSON

Well, what do you want us to do?

DR. MURPHY

I guess we'll watch her for a few

More days. If they continue to slip

Her drugs while she's in the hospital

We'll probably catch them and… I don't

Know, give them an award for not being

Sneaky at all. And if not, she'll

Appear fine, her estrogen will probably

Go back down and we'll send her home.

DR. JACKSON

Do you want us to continue with the

Biopsy?

DR. MURPHY

Of that speck that's really just a

Biproduct of crappy film?

DR. LANGER

No, of the possible tumor in her

Stomach.

DR. MURPHY

Oh, that. Yeah, go ahead. Why

Not? We need some excitement around

Here.

Dr. Murphy's pager goes off.

DR. MURPHY

Front desk. Gotta motor, it's probably

Something really good.

Dr. Murphy walks away down the hall way and Dr. Langer and Dr. Jackson enter Ellie Kemps hospital room.

INT. PEDIATRICS FRONT DESK

There is a nurse behind the desk. Dr. Murphy takes the file from his basket and looks up to the nurse.

DR. MURPHY

This better be good.

Dr. Murphy walks towards the exam room.

INT. EXAM ROOM

A kid is sitting on the examining table in a suit of armor. His arms are above his head. His father is on a chair next to him, trying not to laugh.

DR. MURPHY

HELLO IN THERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

FATHER

He got himself stuck when he squished

Himself into his younger brothers cos-

Tume.

DR. MURPHY

That'd make sense.

FATHER

Well, can you cut him out?

DR. MURPHY

I could, but that might be dangerous.

How about we grease him out?

FATHER

We were going to but that seemed

To easy, like it wouldn't work.

DR. MURPHY

Sometimes the most obvious thing

Is the right thing.

Dr. Murphy snaps his head up and a light bulb seems to go off. He begins to leave the room then turns back to the father and his son

DR. MURPHY

I'll send someone in.

INT. HALLWAY

DR. MURPHY

I need someone in this exam room.

Dr. Murphy walks away.

INT. ELLIE KEMPS HOSPITAL ROOM

Dr. Murphy walks through the door. Ellie is still in surgery and her parents are sitting at the foot of her bed.

DR. MURPHY

Why would you give her estrogen

Pills?

MRS. KEMP

What… what are you talking about?

DR. MURPHY

Her file says she takes vitamins.

The day she was sick, it said she

Took 2 because she wasn't feeling

Well. Those weren't vitamins, though,

Were they? They're estrogen, which

I'm guessing she doesn't know.

MR. KEMP

Why would you think that?

DR. MURPHY

Sometimes the most obvious thing is

The right thing. The most obvious

Thing for a estrogen overdose is

To take too much estrogen. Why?

Mrs. Kemp begins to cry. Mr. Kemp envelopes her in a hug.

MR. KEMP

(whispering)

We should tell him. It's for her

Health.

MRS. KEMP  
(nodding)

Okay…

Both parents pause for a moment. Dr. Murphy looks irritated.

DR. MURPHY

Am I supposed to beat it out of

You? Maybe pretend I didn't hear.

Oh, or worse, you're going to take

It back?

MR. KEMP

When Eli was younger, around 2,

he showed explicit interest in

Girl games. He liked to cook and

Play dress up. He had poly-pockets

And watched Alegra's Window.

DR. MURPHY

Then it's a good thing we're not

Talking about Eli, a boy. Or…

Your daughter… she's really…

Manly.

MR. KEMP

No… she's Eli. We just wanted her…

Him… her…

MRS. KEMP

We wanted our child to have a normal

Life. We only knew one way.

DR. MURPHY

So you swapped her sex in for another

Life?

MR. KEMP

It was for her good.

MRS. KEMP

The vitamins… not vitamins… estrogen.

DR. MURPHY

So you let us run dangerous and

Painful tests on your daughter/son

Because… she's secretly a boy?

MR. KEMP

Either one could ruin her life.

MRS. KEMP

But now you know… she'll be fine…

It's just that she took that extra

Estrogen, that's all?

DR. MURPHY

She'll live. Under a false identity.

As long as she doesn't decide to take

A few extra "vitamins."

MRS. KEMP

Thank you, Dr. Murphy, we're sorry.

DR. MURPHY

Okay, yeah, whatever. I'll sign

Her discharge form.

Dr. Langer and Dr. Jackson return, wheeling in Ellie Kemp. The parents both immediately look ashamed. Dr. Murphy motions for Dr. Langer and Dr. Jackson to follow him out of the room.

EXT. HALLYWAY OUTSIDE ELLIE KEMPS HOSPITAL ROOM

DR. LANGER

What was that all about?

DR. MURPHY

She's fine to go. Write up her

Papers.

DR. JACKSON

You didn't even get our results from

The biopsy

DR. MURPHY

Fine, how was the biopsy?

DR. LANGER

We… didn't find anything.

DR. MURPHY

Okay, so I was right. And now?

Discharge her.

DR. JACKSON

We don't know what's wrong with her,

Though.

DR. MURPHY

A lot, that's what. I'll have her

Papers waiting for you guys at the

Main desk.

Dr. Murphy walks away.

INT. LOBBY OF THE HOSPITAL

Dr. Murphy stands off to the side, partially hidden by a plant. Mr. and Mrs. Kemp wheel Ellie Kemp out of the hospital. They are laughing and talking. Dr. Murphy watches them until they exit the door, then looks to the ground.

End credits roll.


End file.
